ok so this is the end of this journal. 

I had one helluva year here, but i cant seem to get people to keep their damn rude comments to myself..so i got a new journal and you jerks who cant keep your nose outta my business arent getting the URl...

Adios folks...if you know i like you-ask me for the url and ill hook ya up.

"Those who have no record of what their forebears have accomplished lose the inspiration which comes from the teaching of biography and history."
-Dr. Carter G. Woodson

Dr. Carter G. Woodson, Black author and historian, established Negro History Week in February of 1926 in hopes of bringing attention to the accomplishments of African-Americans. Dr. Woodson believed that in knowing their past, Black Americans would be inspired to make their own contributions to American society. Since 1976, the entire month of February has been dedicated to the acheivements of African-Americans and renamed Black History Month.

Last night and today we'rent very good...I dont know whats up but ive been very happy and then sorta sad very quickly.  It scares me....makes me wonder if Im turning into my mother.  I love her to death but i dont want to pick up her mental state. 

Last night when mom came home, she came bearing gifts of dinner and that was nice-but within ten minutes i was mad at her for asking me to do like 50 things at once.  I guess it was my own fault that she yelled at me because i snapped at her, but my mood went from extremly happy to so sad that i sat down and cried for like 20 minutes...thats not something that i normally due...especially since Lee moved out.  I watched CSI for 3 hours and then i watched Joan of Arcadia...i never knew that show was kind of like that show about the angels-ya know Touched by an Angel?...It had a great message that I wanted to write about but I cant remember all of it.  It was something about how when people look up to you for doing small things it may mean that they need to see the light themselves, and need someone to help them be themselves....It was really great and made me think...I wrote a great thank you note after that show was over. 

Today i was up at like 7:30 trying to read and looking at Prom dresses.  I really want to go to prom but i dont know who i would take or who would want to go with me.  I dont really like many of the guys in school enough to ask them to spend a whole night with me....hmmm.  But yea...I got up and played on the puter for awhile and them while waiting for mom to get out of bed i watched Simon Birch and that was super sad even though ive seen it about 20 times.  Hmm mom and i went to the dump, and to the post office (I saw Dolly Brown there) and then we drove out to Wegmans while mom tried to make an eye appointment over the phone so she can get better contacts before her surgury.  Well we were in Wegmans for about 2 hours looking at organic products and such and dishes and stuff for after moms surgury....we spent almost $200 and didnt buy anything useful besides a bottle of shampoo and 2 conditioners.....crazy huh!?  While we were in there i forget what mom said but it kinda upset me and i got all sad again...so sad that my eyes glossed over and i had to walk away before i cried.  Right before we left mom grabbed some Chinese food and i grabbed a sub and we had some lunch...I really wonder whats up with me...Im sure Ill be happy in a little while....

Oh!! Im gonna go wash my hair!! So then if i feel like it i can straiten it tomorrow...dont mind me-i was just really excited!!!   Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Hmm this is a good week-the best midterms week I've experienced since 9th grade. 

After my english midterm, I came home to watch ER and during the second hour Allie and Gerk came over!!!  We had eggs for lunch and watched TV, read magazines, and chilled on the computer.  That was alot of fun-but the girls had to leave for practice around 3 so I had to retreat to cleaning my house.  Ewww...tuesday night I stayed up to watch Gilmore Girls and that was all good...but I went to bed and i got sooooo sick.   I thought I had poisened myself with the Roast Beef I made for dinner, but mom didnt get sick so I guess not...I got sick like 4 times! 

I ended up sleeping in until like 10 when i got up and started studying for my math exam that was yesterday afternoon.  I multi-tasked and watched ER!  I went over to the school around 11:15ish to catch some math review with Mr. Miller and then I took the test.  Im not sure what was up with me, but Part I seemed really hard, though i think I aced parts II and III.  I came home around 3ish because the test took me forever, and I took a nice long nap...well an hour one.  When I got up, I pulled out my econ stuff and started cramming while watching some tv (i think im a tv junkie     Mom came home in a really bad mood so i made dinner, shoveled and left her alone because I didnt want to hear it.  I went to bed aroun 9 last night and woke up at 10 thinking it was time for school, and then at 10:30 because i thought i had to go shovel out moms car so she could leave for work. It was very funny...by 11 i thought i had slept enough for 2 days. 

But i really did get 11 hours of sleep...and that was very nice!  I feel so relaxed, and Im all showered and ready to study for an hour and a half for this econ final exam at 12...so I gotta fly-But Good Luck guys on the test today!!!

So today, has been a good day...well I've only been up since like 6:15ish but so far its been good.  I got up very early to shovel out the car for mom (though she still got stuck) then i had to put some tires in the trunk to weigh it down alittle.  Hmm..I finished with that around 7:15ish and i went inside to get warm and to get dressed.  Breakfast consisted of a mug of Hawaiin Punch that Im still drinking, but I had to run so it has to be good until i get home in about 10 minutes, with gerk. 

I just finised my English midterm and it was soooo easy.  Im happy that Murph didnt make it too hard though he made it hard enough.  I love taking English Gemini because we dont have real tests until the next semester starts.  Hmm i gotta wrap this up...Im about to go home and watch ER as soon as we're dismissed!! Oh today is a good day...tomorrow I have math review in the am and then my midterm in the afternoon and I should do soo good because i know the stuff like the back of my hand....ahh gotta run!!!

Ehh...this week had been very long in deed.  But besides some stupid drama, and some very serious family stuff, its been ok. 

Obviously, if you read this than you know whats been going on, so Im not going to talk about that.  I have better things to do and the fact that fingers are still being pointed is childish.  But too the more serious stuff.  I didnt write this because I wasnt comfortable yet but Mom found out that she has this mass on left kidney, and the doctor didnt say what it was, but its not a cyst and the doctor thinks its cancerous.  And she found out yesterday that she has two more masses on her right lung.  She's scared and feels so crappy, but she's been trying to be positive regardless of what might happen. Im worried about her, but I cant tell her that, because i dont want to make her cry anymore.  Lee and I decided that we're going to be as strong as possible for her.  Um yesterday Lee came to see me, and we talked about everything thats been going on, and she was super pissed and ready to fight, but i think i calmed her down abit-but not enough to spare anyones feelings if the happen to see her.  Then we went to IGA real quick so i could grab some dinner because Nick was coming over to spend the night.  Nick and I made Beef Szhzeaun* or something like that, it was sooooo super yummy!  We watched some tv and talked and i fell asleep a couple of times while Nick was writting and watching movies with mom and shawn.

This morning, Nick and I were up super early for the SAT's.  He was taking the SAT and I took the SAT II's.  The writing one was easy, I flew through it, and wrote a banging essay...the math was ok until it started going on about derivitives...and i took Spanish and that just kicked my ass all together   Jamie Allman and I were together in the same room...the only two people from Williamson taking the subject tests...we had oreos...When mom came to get me and Nick we went to Walmart so mom could get a new vaccum but we ended up getting a ton of stuff....lots of chips and stuff because i guess mom, shawn and i are having a movie night   Mom got me a Carmel heart and it was really cute...it was like one of those random 'I love you' type things...Can i tell you it has snowed so much today that its crazi!! I just came in from shoveling and there was like a fresh 7 inches in addition to the like 5 we already had.  There was no point in shoveling then, we're suppose to get a total of 14 inches between this morning and tonite...ewwww

But im hungry now, so im gonna head downstairs to get my grub on...have a great weekend!!!

I am fucking sick and tired of your shit.  Do you not understand that when you complain and complain about pointless shit like  abook that your annoying?  And non the less your complaining about a book that has to do with my heritage and how its so stupid and blah blah fuckin blah.  Never do you hear me say anything about irish people or polish people do u? no!  Dont let my fucking name come out of your mouth again because we dont need anymore problems than we have.  I dont talk about you so dont talk about me...gott it?!?!?! 

This week has literally been hell and after all that stuff, I am a hott mess mentally and physically.  After everything thats happened, I find me thinking about my life more and about my families too.  I cant really write, I need to get in the shower..but I get to LeeLee today and maybe that will make me feel better...Im so excited i miss her

So i dont really know what to write, so much has happened in these last two days that I wouldn't know where to start.  I can't write about what I really want to so I'll let you imagine....I'll write something more soon, right now I have to think about some stuff...

So today was a bigger waste than yesterday! The biggest thing that i happened was i took a bath and changed my pajamas!!!  Im not really gonna write alot.  I feel really alone.   There are no friends to hang out with and I have to fight for attention from mom every weekend because she's with shawn...but yea...im gona go read-its much more exciting then today...refer to yesterdays post if you really want some type of update...

Today has officially been the biggest waste in my whole life.  Can I just tell you guys that I have been awake since 5:30 this morning (bc of the school routine thing) without taking a nap or even really feeling tired.  I actually was up really late last night, I watched CSI about 5 times on 3 different channels and then I came back to my computer to talk about the important things/ people in my life that Im really concerned with or upset with (or who are upset with me) to the people that wanted to know and the people who really cared.  Those convos really made me think and so i decided to head to bed to think....So anyways I was up worrying about mom this morning.  She never came home or email me last night to tell me she wasnt coming home.  Fortunatly after I text messeged her about 12 times she finally emailed me around 8 this morning.  This is the downside of not having a phone...always worrrying.  So the highlight of my day was oatmeal for breakfast...i cooked it on the stove-with milk and that took forever!  It was the first time for that and by the time it was done i was starving..next time im using the microwave   I actually timed my movie clips today for my spanish presentation and that was all good.  And besides those very none eventful things, i did nothing.  I considered taking a bath-but i got bored just thinking about it...sad huh?  And now its almost 6 and im thinking about heading to bed, or to take a nap just in case something is going on tonite, though i highly doubt that. 

 

Yesterday had to be something aweful because i dont really remember it.  Ohh yea, the sickness took over my entire body and I started to to hallucinate and everything near the end of the day.  That was great, because in PE I was talking about both teams losing and some crazy stuff-Emily thought it was funny and thats all that matters   After school Gerk and I drove to Kohls so she could get her pay check, and that was somewhat eventful.  Her car kept staling and it took us like an hour and a half to get to and from Webster.  We were gonna get soem grub at Wegmans but ran outta time because she had to get to practice by three.  I took a nap and when i woke up i thought it was the next day (and we had school!) and i got dressed for school and then i noticed it was only 4 something....it was messed up.  I looked like a hott mess lol. 

 

But yea...thats all im gonna write because theres nothing else going on in my life so sweet dreams ya'll!

So today was nice, I don't really remember what I did, but I was calm pretty much all day I think

 

I found that by relaxing occasionally really makes the day less stressful.  After forum the guy from Jostens came to talk to us about ordering Caps and Gowns and about all the graduation information stuff.  So in my first period studyhall instead of doing all of my extra homework i sat down and marked all of the invitations and announcments, and stuff that I wanted....scrapbook, t-shirt, long sleeve shirt etc.  When I was done, I finished up some silly psychology homework in which i had to observe the personal advertisments in the paper.  I had tried to do it online last night but that just got me tons of spam and very frustrated.  Some people are soo weird placing ads looking for people they saw at friendys and at kmart.  It kinda freaked me out, but if thats how people wanna hook up then thats their problem i guess.  Psych was fun we talked about what makes us attracted to eachother and the differences between what men and women are looking for in their partners.  It was quite intresting because like somehow we always end up talking about peoples persoanl lives, and i just end up hearing things from the people behind me on accident that i never want to hear again  English was ok, we talked about Femininity and Masculinity and practically the same stuff we talked about in Psych.  We had to read these passages for homework and we talked about those too....Mr. Murphy asked us if we thought our country was ready for a women president, and I was like the only one to think we were and the only one to think we were ready for a black president.  They seemed like it was against the law or something.  Even a black women could do the job better...she'd be strong and stand her ground and not be a completly push over but then people said that she'd be stubborn and not listen and be completly controlling.  Its not like its a totalitarian government there isnt that much power...I was just kinda offended seeing that Im the only one of any color in that class and often they forget that the things they say can hurt peoples feelings.  Economics was dumb...mr. monsees repeats himself over and over again and yet nobody gets the answer-I have started to understnad and Im doing my work and stuff so i answer but it gets so flustering when nobody else tries or even pays attention.  There are more people who take their daily nap in that class then those who pay attention.  And the part of the class thats not doing either is staring at the ceiling like there is something super intresting there.  Yay! there was pasta for lunch today!! it took me a full period to eat, I had to finish in math class becasuse i was doing my homework at the same time.  Ohh we have these new apples at school and they come in a freezer lock bag and they are better than any apple Ive ever eaten fresh off the tree...I had three bags of them.  Spanish was kinda boring but I dont mind because our midterm is all about movies and I dont have a problem with that at all-Im doing Mary Poppins and Im having soo much fun.  PE has sucked so much lately.  We're playing speedball again with the guys.  And when we play with the guys we dont really play.  My team argued for the first half of class and then i decided it was totally sexist and then they started to pretend i was actually visable and that was cool.  I just had to stand in one part and catch the ball and throw it....i kept scartching myself with my dagger nails tho...it turned out to be some fun.  I just dont understand why our class cant play basketball like all the other classes.  its not anywhere near as dangerous....maybe its because we only have 9 people who rarley come to class....

 

Hmm when i came home today i passed out like the second i walked in the door and slept until 3!  I jumped outta bed like the house was on fire....i thought it was really late because it was a dark and glommy out.  Then i took down the christmas tree, watched some tv, did some homework and lounged about.  I made some Ramon noodles for dinner  and they were kinda flavorless- im not sure i like cooking them on the stove.  And then i had an ice cream sundae with fudge and carmel and strawberries...I needed some comfort food what can i say?!?   Now, Im here...posed to be writing a paper for psych but i dont feel like it...but i must because if i have any chance of getting the Old English W for Psych i must do these miniscule assignments!  Hope ya'll had a great day....

So um so far by the looks of it, this week is gonna suck.  So let me get something off my chest...

 

Erin, what ever you may think, I dont write in here to upset you or to ruin your life..I've had this for a year-a year in which i have wrote what I want.  Im not mad at you.  I was upset because you looked at me like i was scum, and when you did, you quickly ran behind the gym door-and then the people who were talking to you, turned and looked at me the same.  I was upset because I couldnt figure out what the hell I said last week that pissed you off.  You say like 5 sentences, and they all were in English when you insisted on telling me I was wrong about things, or in economics when i was wrong...and i dont think i was.  Im not going to keep ruining my life trying to make you like me, if you dont, and if you would just rather not talk to me, let me know so I can stop stressing myself out.  I did get mad last week (but not why im mad at you) when i came into lunch and got in line and came to sit down and there were no seats and when i asked people to move, nobody even acknowleged I was even standing there or talking.  So i solved that problem myself...I'll eat lunch in Mr. Millers room and try to pick up another class 2nd  semester if i can.  That way nobody has to be burdened by my asking them to slide down.  And i dont want to hear about how you have very few good friends....i have steph and anyone else that talks to me dosent always talk to me.  But let me shut up because as i type Im probably ruining your birthday....to bad it couldnt have been happy for everyone.  But yea have a great day and we'll continute this tomorrow-after your birthday if you wish so that I dont catch the blame for fucking everything up

So I've come to realize that I dont like being upset with the world...whats the point?  Im just going to nice when people are mean....oh wait i do that anyways!

 

So before what i posted the other day i meant to post what a really good day that had been without my weird feelings.  I drank a whole pot of coffee on Thursday morning and then I went to school...well i went with my coffee.  By the time i got to english 3rd period my coffee was gone and the caffine had kicked in so hard that i was shaking and my heart was racing but I felt alive and that was the first time all week so i was soooo happy!  By the time Spanish had rolled around 7th period i thought that i should have a career in talking.  Im sure Mr. Lucchessi was flustered with my babbling but u was having a great time until PE.  We played Speedball and the guys are ball hogs and dangerous so i just stood in the middle of the gym and watched them run around me.  When i got home i went to take the daily nap and i staired at the ceiling for 2 hours and then watched tv...i was off the walls and couldnt sit still it was great....made me forget about all the peple that hate me for no reason...

 

So friday sucked....I had a coffee hangover so i didnt get outta bed until 7 and had to rush so the buses didnt run me over.  But i still got to school on time to do my math homework in forum.  I just wanted to sleep all day and i couldnt.  I hate being there.  So i havent eaten lunch in the cafeteria all week because i wasnt feeling like myself and I went to go eat there on friday and there was no room on any side of the table and nobody even looked at me or made any attempt to move it soo pissed me off....lke i dont exsist any more.  So i went to go eat in Mr. Millers room.  When I went to go take my tray back to the cafeteria the weirdest thing happened to me.  I was walking towards the hall and all the sudden i get a look and then theres this head that  looks at me and then hides behind the gym door like i never saw them there....way to make me sad.  I was so upset that i went and cried in Mr. Millers room...lovely way to start the weekend.  To make life better i couldnt leave when i wanted to.  I had to stay for a Solo Fest lesson and then i left....wow...feel the love in our school!

 

Hmm so this weekend has sucked so far....I read a 500 page book last night after not doing anything and being mad at the world and finished it around 2 this morning.  Then i went to bed and was up before 9.  I cleaned out the fridge, shoveled the driveway and then i went to the dump with mom.  We went shopping for a few things, got some chinese food then came home to eat with shawn.  He left around 2ish and i went to take a nap.  Around 3 i straitened my hair, then i watched some movies with mom and now im here...with nothing to do again! yay! Tomorrow Im going to Allicia Gerkens aunts house for her birthday dinner and then i think i think i might have to go to grams to say happy birthday to grandpa and to see Alicia (sister) for a few minutes if shes still there.  That'll be the first super good day since um...Christmas prolly..

 

I hope this week doesnt suck as much... I need alittle variety

So i dont really know what to write but I'm feeling like another person again.  I know it sounds weird and nobody really understands me but its like im looking in on someone elses life....this isnt me.  All day today I felt as if I was a zombie.  I was aware fo everything i did, there is no way i couldnt be because i had so much caffine in my system but it seems as if somethings changed and i cant see it.  Maybe it isnt me, maybe its the people around me....And i know something is different in me too.  With the end of the year so close, its like I have senioritis but at least I have my ish strait.  Im not wasting my afternoons watching basketball games, or goofing around with friends (they're busy anyways)....Im sitting at home doing my homework before it gets too late and i start to stress about it.  After the last few monthes in school i noticed that i hate to be the person rushing to get everything done right before class.  This weeks assignments are done and they've been done for a good long time with the exception of math because i do that with mr. miller so that i comprehend everything the right way.  Im so sick of getting stressed out, but now i feel like im wasting time.  Any way im off topic...what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?  Mom doesnt understand this.  She has always felt like she belonged because she always did belong....im like the family loner.  How sucky is that!?! 

 

I dont know why i complain....i know that times can be hard but i always pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going.  I have to learn from what I've done and wait patiently for whats in the future.  I can't let time pass me by because I've put things off and because I've said Im satisfied when im really not...I have to keep going....dont mind my pep talk lol